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Area Bum Fails to Even Contribute Chromosomes to His Children

Meiosis, mitosis, maintaining a stable family—it's not easy doing this all on my own, Russell!

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. – Russell Marks, a local father of two, took absentee parenting to new heights when his wife realized that he neglected to pass any of his chromosomes onto their offspring.

“I mean, it was one thing when he missed Timmy’s first birthday party and left Lucy at the Gentlemen’s Club for five hours,” Marks’ wife Martha said. “But this is just ridiculous.”

After noticing that her children did not share any of her husband’s heritable attributes—including pattern baldness, a fragrance of Pabst Blue Ribbon, and an affinity for camouflage—she decided to give them a thorough swabbing and ship the samples to 23andMe.

“I thought he had maybe just left a gene or two out, like any man might do,” she said. “Turns out the bastard didn’t even bother to give them a single nucleotide.” As a result, her chromosomes have been consigned to a life of overexertion, working tirelessly to clean up after the negligence of a dead-base dad.

Marks, spotted plunking through the guitar solo of “Total Eclipse of the Heart” behind a local porta potty, declined to comment. Upon finishing his business, he shouted “I’ll catch ya next time, sport!” to a member of the reporting staff as he revved the engine of his Ford F-150 and tossed a flaming cigarette butt onto a nearby flowerbed.

At press time, Marks's wife revealed that she suspects that her husband abandoned their vows of genetic fidelity altogether and stuck his DNA into “some gamete on the side.” 

© 2018