and entering

Professor Begs for Answers From "Anyone but Dave"

Oh, Dave

SCIENCE CENTER B—Earlier this week, a prominent LS1A professor instituted a policy of calling only on students who have not yet answered a question in class, but because of extremely low participation, this policy excludes only Dave R. Edwin ‘21 from answering.

Dave’s professor explained that he formally introduced the policy only after Dave’s "enthusiasm" showed no signs of abating.

“If you really boil it down, the policy is that anyone but Dave can speak," he elaborated. "His answers are usually wrong and it’s derailing the whole class. When he raises his hand, I have to deeply suppress my fight-or-flight response.”

Dave's enthusiasm has been taking a toll on his professor, who was seen muttering under his breath that he “can’t stand that kid anymore.” The professor continued to confess, “Honestly, I-I can’t take much more. Initially, I thought he was just in it for the candy, but even giving him extra chocolate bars can only slow him down 5, maybe 10 seconds, max. Anything to fill that gaping mouth. God, I can see all the way down to his larynx.”

Sitting atop the mountain of fun sized Milky Way bars that has formed at his feet, Dave shrilly criticized his professor’s decision.

“Honestly, it's ridiculous," Dave said. "I don’t see why I can't speak my mind. My voice needs to be heard. ”

“Sure, his voice would make a congenitally deaf lab mouse cover its ears,” Dave’s classmate, Janice C. Sue '21, remarked, “but as long as I don’t have to participate, Dave is a hero.”

After class, Dave was seen gathering leftover Halloween wigs from classmates to use as "disguises." 

Dave’s hijinks aren’t fooling his professor, who was last seen in Harvard Square offering $50 to passerby to take his position teaching LS1A, while muttering to himself “Gotta escape these godforsaken narcissists while I’ve got the chance.”


© 2017