Harrisburg, PA — America was founded upon a strong bedrock of moral values—respecting our elders, helping those in need, and greeting our neighbors with smiles on our faces. For Pete's sake, using wireless earphones to listen to music is NOT one of those values.

The major existential threat facing this great nation is the mass purchasing of wireless headphones by today's youth. Wireless headphones are compact and hassle-free—they are making the younger generation WEAK. Back in my day, you weren't a real man until you untangled your headphones after removing them from your pocket. Gee willikers, if you didn't spend at least seven hours each day untangling your headphones, you were called a "wuss," and rightly so.

 

I can still remember the first time I used regular headphones. Heck, I almost strangled my cat trying to figure out how to connect them to my phone and my ears. But I'll tell you what—it built character, and this character is fading from society now that Big Wireless controls us all.

Regular headphones taught this nation to have faith in a higher power, gosh darn it. Perfectly untangled headphones immediately became tangled for absolutely no reason as soon as they were out of eyesight. No one knew why, but we knew to trust that a higher process was at work.

Regular headphones brought people together. If you needed to watch a video in a quiet place with a friend, you had to sit awkwardly close to each other and remain perfectly still so that your friend's earbud didn't fall out. That sort of hellish experience bonded people. Now this nation is more divided than ever, thanks to the popularity of wireless headphones. Golly gee.