SatireV

Breaking

and entering

The Orlando Tragedy Proves [Insert Prior Belief Here]

A tragedy that we could have avoided if [policy you support were enacted].

My thoughts and prayers go out to the victims of today’s tragedy. But thoughts and prayers are not enough. It’s time for real change. Today’s shooting in Orlando shows how important it is for us to support [insert prior belief here].

First off, we have the issue of gun control. It is now undoubtedly clear that [gun control efforts are absolutely necessary//gun control efforts are entirely counterproductive]. This tragedy makes it abundantly clear that [gun control can prevent criminals from purchasing weapons//criminals are going to purchase guns regardless of the law]. Imagine what would have happened if [the shooter had not been able to purchase his weapons//a law-abiding citizen had used a gun to take down the shooter].  

Next, we have to address what people are saying about the shooter’s identity. The fact that shooter is a Muslim is [absolutely irrelevant//absolutely relevant]. Though officials are currently unsure what the motive of this individual was, we know the truth: Islamic values were most definitely [not at all the cause of this tragedy//entirely the cause of this tragedy]. As we consider our refugee policies and immigration reform, we must remember that [foreigners are never ever dangerous//foreigners are literally always dangerous].

Lastly, we should not gloss over the fact that the shooting took place at a gay nightclub. It's shameful that the other side only gets outraged when a tragedy fits [insert morally repulsive political agenda here]. If the victims were straight, we would see [so much more//so much less] political outrage from the other side. It's 2016--I just can't that we can’t just all agree that [#GayLivesMatter//AllLivesMatter].

Though this tragedy is heartbreaking, the best thing that we can do is learn from it. I know that I for one have learned so much about the importance of [insert prior belief here].

© 2016
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