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Oh, There’s a Sexual Predator in Hollywood? I Should Opine!

Me, someone who should be opining on this issue.

By Woody Allen

It’s me, Woody Allen. I’m that director who makes you uncomfortable because you love my movies but you don’t love that I’m basically married to my daughter. Just wanted to chime in!

When I heard that there was a famous sexual predator in Hollywood, I was like, “Hey, you know who should opine? Me. It would definitely be a good idea if I, Woody Allen, gave my two cents about this. That makes utter and complete sense. This is a sane decision.” 

I get it: I’m a bit controversial. On the one hand, Annie Hall is a fucking classic; on the other hand, my ex-partner adopted my current wife Soon-Yi when she was about 8. On the one hand, Hannah and Her Sisters is a goddamn masterpiece; on the other hand, you probably shouldn’t have let Hannah or her sisters anywhere near me. But why should any of that stop me from clumsily weighing in on a sensitive news item like this one?

So I said that I was “sad for Harvey” and cautioned against “a witch hunt atmosphere.” Ha! Wasn’t that a clever move? No better way to defend your legacy as someone who hasn't done anything wrong than by expressing empathy for a man who made a woman watch him masturbate into a potted plant. Why do I even hire publicists? I’m great at this whole PR thing!

You know what? I’m going to keep this up. Tune in next week for my upcoming hot take on Bill Cosby, another issue that I, of all people, should pipe up about. Spoiler alert: I think there’s blame to go around!

© 2017