My name is Jake Gyllenhaal. I am a likeable, progressive, feminist, and even-tempered critically acclaimed actor with non-buggy eyes, and I would never gaslight anyone. Last night a certain indie short film was released allegedly based on certain events in my life. The way I was depicted is hurtful, damaging, and above all, absolutely completely not entirely true. I was prepared to ignore this minor story, but I know this has been upsetting to my millions of devoted fans, so, sadly, I now feel the need to clear the air and make some clarifying statements in my defense in order to maintain my reputation as Spiderman’s loveable frenemy and Hollywood’s hipster male sweetheart.

The first thing that should make you doubt your own perceptions of what happened in that video is that Taylor Swift is not actually a redhead and yet cast “herself” as one. Pretty suspicious and untrue, seems like something a liar would do, but what do I know? Onto “my” casting. Teen Wolf? Really? I am a serious actor, a likeable leading man who has starred in serious movies where I play miscellaneous charming, nuanced and not at all creepy characters including but not limited to the guy from Nightcrawler, the eponymous Donnie Darko, and the villain in Spiderman 2: Far From Home. As That Guy from The Day After Tomorrow, I deserve better than That Guy from the Maze Runner.

Now one of the biggest complaints I’ve been hearing is about the age gap. Taylor herself has kindly reminded everyone of the fact that I was like 30 years old at the time of our relationship and she was only 20. Allow me to reframe this narrative and explain how you should think about that fact. Who are you going to trust to give you an honest account of our sexual relationship? A whiny, bratty, babyish, snot-nosed college sophomore, basically a child, or me, a full grown man?

Finally, and most importantly, I would simply never gaslight Taylor Swift, or anyone else for that matter. I’m a good guy. I really don’t understand why you guys are all so pissed off. It’s ridiculous. I was super fucking nice to Taylor Swift. You guys are being weird. It’s such bullshit. I didn’t even fucking notice it at the time. I simply don’t remember that dinner party. I don’t even remember the moment that you’re talking about. How can you be attacking me for something that I don’t, like, fucking know? How can you expect me to remember it all to well when it was literally fucking nothing? Literally a moment that I don’t even fucking remember, you’re holding me hostage over, it’s insane. And you know what, we had fun, I actually had a fucking blast. Now this was the relationship, now we’re doing this. Awesome. So fucking awesome. All about her. I can’t, I can’t. It’s fucking selfish. She’s acting selfish right now, that's exactly what’s happening.