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Finally, Memes Have Destroyed Someone’s Life Other Than My Own

A sad man
I took a break from scrolling endlessly to pose for this photograph and express my happiness.
By Marciano Eemster
When the news came out that several prospective Harvard students had their admission offers rescinded over offensive memes, many were dismayed. Indeed, as a meme reader myself, I would never read such offensive and tasteless memes as the ones that got them expelled. However, unlike all of you, who were sad to hear this news, I was happy. Or, at least, as happy as it is possible for me to be while my life is in this sorry, sorry state. For once memes have finally destroyed someone’s life other than my own.
Each morning I go to the computer and search for memes. If I’m lucky, I can find a meme of high enough quality to satisfy my endless need for more than a few seconds. But most of the time, I just keep scrolling and scrolling, never finding what I need, and never knowing exactly what it is I’m looking for. On those days I barely get up from my computer screen, only taking sustenance from a single Hefty bag full of Marshmallow Mateys I keep at the side of my desk. I’ll just munch and meme, munch and meme, until I fall asleep at the computer, my life force completely drained.
One might think my life has been completely taken over by memes, and such a person would be right. I can do, and have done, nothing else with my life. Nothing else could fill the intense vacuum-pressure of my brain, which ever screams that I need more and more and more and more. As such, I am very rarely happy. But I was happy yesterday. Now I know for sure I am no longer alone in my plight. Memes have destroyed those prospective Harvard students’ lives as well.
Oh and, for the record, my favorite meme is the one with the frog that tells you it’s Wednesday. Classic.
© 2017