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Endorsement: Katie Lapp for Harvard University President

Katie Lapp, pictured here making an important point, would not ensnare Harvard's endowment in a bunch of bad mutual funds.

Currently, the Harvard Corporation is searching for a successor to President Drew G. Faust, who announced her plans to step down after the 2017-2018 academic year. The Satire V editorial board has unanimously voted to endorse Executive Vice President Katie Lapp—known for her management skills as well as getting trapped under various things—to succeed Faust as University President.

Lapp, who supervises the financial, administrative, human resources, campus services, planning and project management, development in Allston, health services, information technology, and diversity functions of the University, would be a great fit for the position. Known for “closely monitoring the forecast” and getting trapped under or in piles of fresh snow, melting snow, mulch, leaves, cardboard boxes, fallen angels, Ec1017 bluebooks, memories, the Harvard Square public bathroom, carbonite, and an endless cycle of leap days, Lapp certainly has the tenacity to weather whatever challenges she might face.

At times, President Faust has been criticized for ignoring undergraduates’ opinions and failing to divest from fossil fuels. But would-be President Katie Lapp has faced no such criticism, and sometimes she hosts free breakfasts open to the entire Harvard community. That sounds like a win-win for breakfast lovers and Divest Harvard protestors.

Although our editorial board reached out to Lapp for an interview, she was busy battling a gigantic pile of pollen that had accumulated outside her office. She did, however, manage to send out an email from her phone right before a swarm of killer bees swept her off the ground and toward a nearby garden.

“Dear Members of the Satire V Editorial Board,” Lapp wrote. “While examining the large amount of pollen that has been causing the Harvard community’s allergies to act up, I was suddenly carried off by a bunch of bees. Before I could process this fact, or the fact that you have endorsed me for Harvard University President, I was taken before the Queen Bee and sentenced to several weeks of performing menial bee-tasks. Once my indentured servitude has ended, I will gladly accept your endorsement, and I thank you for considering me in the first place.”

Truly, a President Katie Lapp would serve the Harvard community well. Her years of experience in both human and bee tasks qualify her for a position that is sure to be quite challenging. In times such as these, Harvard needs a bold leader who is not afraid to get things done, tell it like it is, and monitor impending inclement weather. That is why the Satire V editorial board unequivocally endorses Katie Lapp for Harvard University President.


Image Credit: Harvard Magazine

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