By CVS

9:15am:

Hi, this is your local CVS pharmacy!  Your Rx order is ready for pickup. Prepay now to use Rx pickup express lane.  Thank you and see you soon!

9:17am:

Hi again!  We see it’s been two minutes since receiving our last text.  Can’t make it to the pharmacy? Simply neglecting your health?  Go to our website to sign up for home delivery! Hope to see you soon!

9:29am:

Hello!  We are a bit confused, because it appears your prescription is still here.  Just checking in to see if you received the message from our carrier pigeon, he should have arrived 3.5 minutes ago. He is gray, and looks like a pigeon. And has your prescription in his beak, should be easy to spot. Must not have if you’re not here! Well, we are here, waiting for you.

9:31am:

This is CVS, again. We noticed your car was still parked in your driveway, and evidently not en route to the pharmacy to pick up your fucking prescription. Did you see the rock we threw through the windshield? It had a note attached to it, telling you to pick up your medicine. We're starting to think you're illiterate, but the rock should make the message clear: YOUR PRESCRIPTION IS STILL HERE

10:23am:

Hey, pal. You think you're special, but no, you're just one of millions of fools who refuse to pick up their prescriptions on time. Over the years we’ve collected so many neglected, overlooked pills that we were able to create life size replicas of both the Rocky Mountain Range and Alcatraz Prison.  We're starting to experiment with surrealism, so unless you want to see a life size statue of yourself made out of Xanax, we suggest you get your ass down here.

10:25am:

UPDATE: We’ve acquired so many abandoned pills in the past two minutes we were able to build four new CVS buildings out of Adderall within a two mile radius of your house. To reiterate, the pharmacies are very close to you and are very, very blue. Please, we are begging you, pick up your prescription.

11:47am:

Fuck it.  We’re just gonna start handing out the pills.

11:50am:

Nevermind, we just single handedly catalyzed the resurgence of the 2016 opioid crisis.  

12:31pm:

Alright, fucker, that’s it.  After generously providing opiates to the United States Military for the past 10 years, we were able to hire a whole flock of Navy Seals to come and rip you from wherever you are--your cubicle or the arms of your loved ones--to make sure your stupid prescription isn’t sitting on our shelves for one minute longer. And don’t try to resist, are extra long CVS receipts function incredibly well as extra strength hand cuffs.

1:13pm:

We will find you, and we will kill you (if your blatant disregard for your health doesn’t kill you first).

3:35pm:

Ah, we saw you finally got your prescription! Lovely! Please fill out our customer satisfaction survey, as we truly value the feedback about your shopping experience.  Have a wonderful day!

Image Credit: axios.com