and entering

Bro, Reindeer are so Whipped by Santa

Santa and reindeer
Our boys' nights just aren't the same anymore — all the reindeer can talk about is getting home to "Saint Nicky."

Dude, I remember when it was me and the reindeer going out every night to the bars, just living it up, crushing brews, and talking to chicks. We were a band of brothers man, and nobody told us what to do.

But that all changed when they met Santa. Fuckin typical. I mean, it started slowly – a couple nights pulling the sleigh here and there instead of hanging with the boys. And like, I can understand that I guess. But, of course, soon a few nights turned into all of them, and before I knew what was happening, all nine of them were harnessed up like a gaggle of bitch ass workshop elves. And there's nothing wrong with being a bottom, but they don't have to trot around and let him whip them every. single. night.

Now, believe me, I think love is awesome. But there are just certain lines you don’t cross, you know? Like my boy Rudolph. He used to be a total stud, and then two weeks with Santa and all of a sudden he’s wearing a red nose in goddamn public just because Santa thought it looked “cute.” It’s honestly just embarrassing. Same for the OG homies Spencer and Big Rob who started going by Dancer and Prancer after Santa told them the names had a nice ring to them. The whole lot should have their man cards revoked, am I right? 

In the end, nothing makes me sadder than seeing a guy who is just totally whipped – seeing this shell of a bro, and thinking, god, that used to be a man. And it’s becoming a goddamn epidemic these days. I mean, what’s next? I’m just worried that one day I’ll wake up to find myself with some chick who carries my frosty snowballs in her purse and doesn’t let me go to poker night with the guys.

© 2018