His Fifth Grade Teacher    

    I remember it clearly, Billy. It was a damp, mucky morning in October 2009, when I had the pleasure of seeing your innocent, insolent face stream through our homeroom door among your other small and decently behaved peers. You were always so practical with everything, no? Yes, you were, I remember. Specifically, I remember the lesson I gave that day, meant to expand the reaches of your pea brain beyond long division and fraction multiplication and the booger you’d been poking for two minutes. I taught you about negative numbers.

    Apparently, it was too much. I was the idiot, of course. “But teacher,” you snickered, “how do I eat negative three apples?” The classroom erupted in laughter, but I calmly explained that you’d do this if you threw up three apples. More laughter. Confusion. Walked into that one. But despite my best efforts over the next week, like a young William Farr, clinging to miasma theory, to my Louis Pasteur, you refused to be enlightened. There was just no way negative numbers existed in real life, was there?

    I just wanted to use this opportunity to tell you, Billy, wherever you are, you were straight up wrong. Because, GOD DAMN do negative numbers exist now. Oil prices are...what? Negative. With two e’s, for ee-you suck. Listen closely to the wind, and you’ll hear the soft cries of executives from Exxon-Mobil to ConocoPhilips, surely not for nothing, no? Surely not big, tough titans of industry, and surely not for real, positive prices? Well, hold that thought, I’ll leave that satisfaction for your 8th grade teacher Mrs. Collins, for when a rift in spacetime opens next month or something.

    In the end, Billy, to quoth an oil man, I broke you, and I beat you. You see, you have your sweet milkshake, this...stubborn belief of yours. And I have a straw. That straw, reality, Billy, reaches across the room, and I drink. Your. Milkshake. Drink it up dry. I...drink...your...milkshake! You suckled the fountain of ignorance and I showed you the well of satisfaction that is truth and you shouted back to me, "no"! Well now I win, and you lose!

   Now to collect my emotions: I understand you’re probably sitting out there doing your fancy college math homework, and maybe you saw the light somewhere along the road without my help. It takes a village to mold an open mind, that I do know. But, who am I to presume? So just in case, here’s your damn proof. The apology is left to the reader as an exercise (you can find my email on the old district website..."Staff" on the sidebar). 

   Really though, hope you’re doing well. I’d love to hear what greater and/or lesser things you’ve been up to.