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America’s Funniest Home Videos Is Better Than Sex, And I Would Know, I’ve Had a Lot of Sex

Bob Saget
Looks like this semi-popular 90's television host may have some self-esteem issues!

by Bob Saget

I don’t know about you, but there is objectively no greater pleasure in life than seeing a mediocrely taped home video of a teenage boy wiping out on his four-wheeler while his entire family idly watches. A baby goat continually head butting himself in the mirror?  Forget about it.  A cat drinking from a water glass? Better than sex.

One may wonder what makes me, Bob Saget, qualified to deem something better than sex.  But let me tell you — it’s because I’ve had a lot of it. Like a lot.  

After my wildly successful career as the host of America’s Funniest Home Videos, I found myself surrounded by drugs, money, and sex everywhere I looked.  I guess I should have expected this after being the most erotically charged TV show host of semi-popular 90’s television programming.  I mean, every time I said “Well that couldn’t have felt great!” or “Looks like that goat may have some self-esteem issues,” I could feel myself radiating this raw sexual magnetism that only semi-popular 90’s television show hosts would understand.  It got to a point that, every time the laugh track sounded I would feel like an invincible sex god that could only be dominated by Mario Lopez hosting Pet Star.  

So there I was, feeling aimless without my darling AFHV, cruising up and down the coast of California in a 1995 Toyota Corolla filled with women, bills, and this insatiable desire for something which I couldn’t name.  But after about a year of my nonstop joyride, I realized that every time I did a line of cocaine I was maniacally and uncontrollably using iMovie to put together 25-minute long compilations of amateur home videos I would find on YouTube.  The intro song to AFHV began playing on endless loop in my head so loudly that I had to learn to read lips to hear what people were saying.  This obsession began to dominate my every waking moment. I couldn’t climax without hearing my own voice saying “Welcome to America’s Funniest Home Videos!” followed by the ferocious applause of an audience that loved me more than any woman in my Toyota Corolla ever could.  After a while, I just stopped having sex altogether, because I realized I'll never hit that high ever again. Whenever I’m feeling frisky, I just watch some reruns and bask in a glory that will never, ever die.  

I would still fuck Mario Lopez, though.

© 2019