By Master Rakesh Bumble, Beadle of Harvard College

 

What's that? Why you churlish little scoundrel! Day in and day out, I toil away on behalf of this workhouse. I have ensured that ladies of the aristocracy may join the richest gentlemen at their club. I have brought delicacies from yonder clover field to replace those plebeian scraps you naughty imps grew in your greenhouse. And yet now you demand that I create a bridge program for first-generation students? You wretched boy! You shall scrub every bathroom in Currier, and by Jingo you shall be grateful for it!

 

I am a man whom'st strives to be a model of Christian charity. When Mistress Faust (apt is her name, the old devil!) sought to deny those scullery knaves their visits to the apothecary, I stood by them. Yet now you demand a week-long bridge program to adjust to the workhouse? An impudent whelp such as yourself should be grateful even to stink up this place with your insolent complaints. I tell you again, you shall get every dried-up stain out of every hardwood floor in Dunster, and then and only then will you be given counseling on the next stage of your life.

 

Mayhap I did not make myself clear! I have far greater concerns than your emotional and academic wellbeing and ability to fit in at this school. If you wish to be on this campus early and to gain any support, you will clean and then clean some more, or else I shall sell you as an apprentice to the town drunkard, Master Dingman, and then perhaps you will repent!