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Why I’m Buying SatireV II: the Sequel [NOT SATIRE]

Elon Musk speaking with SatireV logo on black screen behind him
Rumor has it, one lucky staff writer will be shot into space!

I, Elon Reeve Musk (user verified because of subscription to SatireV Crimson), have purchased SatireV. You may be asking yourself, why are you doing this Elon? Why bother? You’re already so universally beloved by upper-middle-class dads, PS11 professors, and emerald mine stockholders? Why not spend some time with your eight kids?

Well, after my latest successful endeavor in social media entrepreneurship, I came to an epiphany. The next frontier is not Twitter. The next frontier is not space. The next frontier is Satire. More specifically, it is SatireV.  

After the breakup of One Direction, SatireV’s previous owners, One Direction, now penniless, desperately needed to get the site off their hands. I, the rich, handsome, smart, sexy, buff, suave hero and master businessman that I am, decided to take this project on. It is also all that mommy and daddy are allowing me to purchase currently.

If there’s one thing I learned at Twitter, it’s that people have become way too sensitive these days. They don’t get irony. They totally misunderstand the character of Kendall Roy. And just generally, they’ve lost their sense of humor. Why else does nobody laugh when I tell jokes? I know I’m funny because I asked my mommy and she said that I am VERY funny and full of boisterous humor and infectious fun. And not to brag, but the memes I repost on Twitter from Reddit always get likes from @nftluvr696969. Soooooooooo bet you feel really stupid right now.

Let’s talk business. What makes me, Elon Musk, qualified in this venture? Well, as you probably know, I’m the funniest man alive. And the richest. I’m pretty much the Bill Burr of the Fortune 500 circuit. While some (HATERS) may say, “Elon, didn't you already try and do a satire company called Thud that failed completely and entirely in the past? Have you learned from your mistakes?” And to that I say: shutupshutupshutupshutupSHUTUP. You're blocked. YOU'RE BLOCKED.

Ahem. Things are going to be different this time. I’m ready to transform this site. It’s gonna be RAW. UNFILTERED. The Hardcore SatireV. In the new HARDCORE SatireV we will ONLY be comforting the comfortable and afflicting the afflicted. And if you want to be a part of it you better fill out the GoogleForm that I’m gonna put in the company Slack. (Also if you make fun of me in that Slack, I will definitely NOT cry, but instead I will fire you because making fun of me is unoriginal and unfunny.)

My first order of business is layoffs. Editors– who neeeds them? Not me. Frankly, none of these writers are that funny. Not even the person who ghost wrote this article is funny (You think I wrote this? Sorry, but I’m too busy gnawing on wires in the SatireV HQ computer system). I think the author of this is the least funny of all, but they were the only one I haven’t fired. Yet.

© 2022