Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

The health and safety of all members of the Harvard community is a top priority for everyone at Harvard University Health Services (HUHS). For that reason, I am compelled to ask you: which one of you fuckers isn't washing your hands? Like, what the hell guys? Didn't we get it through your thick skulls last year? YOU HAVE TO WASH YOUR HANDS. OTHERWISE YOU WILL CATCH MUMPS AND DIE!

As you may know, last academic year there were a number of confirmed cases of mumps in the Harvard community, and in the last few weeks there have been several additional cases of presumptive mumps in our community. While we're still not positive that these cases are linked to those last year, we're pretty fucking sure. Like, the disease has basically been eradicated in the modern world for decades. What are the chances that is just "appears" on the same campus twice in less than one year in totally unrelated instances.

Now, I'm going to level with you, I think I'm pretty good at my job. I'm the goddamn "Henry K. Oliver Professor of Hygiene." You know what doesn't make me look good? When the campus at which I am the director of medicine has such bad hygiene that we basically bring back a dead disease. 

So which one of you fuckers is it? Did you guys forget to tell the neos at the PSK that they need to use soap? Are we really doing this again? Did symptoms like "testicular swelling" not scare you enough last year? Or the whole quarantine zone in the Inn? Where are we even going to put the quarantine now? In Winthrop D-Hall?!

Anyway, wash your fucking hands. If you feel sick, for God's sake, stay the fuck inside and definitely stay the hell away from the final clubs and incest fest this year. I am so done with this shit.

Sincerely,