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Search Committee Formed to Track Down Harvard’s Next President: David Blaine

"I'm staying in this box until Harvard divests from fossil fuels!

With news of Lawrence Baccow stepping down from his highly coveted position as President of Harvard University, the search begins to locate the whereabouts of the next Harvard President, world renowned magician and escape artist David Blaine, who disappeared from the Harvard Corporation without a trace.

“Shit, he was literally right here!”

These words were spoken by Penny Pritzker, senior fellow of Harvard University, among the flurry of shouts and ringing telephones in the Harvard Corporation building this morning.

Blaine was recently awarded the position after a very memorable confirmation interview. During the interview, Blaine made a passionate plea of dedication to the school by making his own thumb disappear in a sacrifice to the Harvard name. The forty-nine year-old magician was hand selected over esteemed candidates William Vanderbilt Chesterfield IV, Archibald Wigglesworth Cabot Library Cabot House Harvard IXV, and newcomer Lawrencia Baccow–who was noted by several board members to seem vaguely familiar despite her lucious head of platinum blonde hair. The remaining prospects on the candidates list were every guy named Larry within a fifty mile radius of the school, as is Harvard tradition. 

 Provost Alan M. Garber was so mesmerized by Blaine’s sleight of hand card tricks that he did not notice the six-foot magician discretely maneuver through a secret underground hidden passage later discovered by investigators to be installed in the floor.

“He even got my card right! It was the seven of clubs! He may be a wild one, I tell ya. But he’s damn good at what he does,” the Provost commented. 

The Harvard Corporation quickly created a search committee to find Harvard President-Elect David Blaine–encouraging students to share any knowledge regarding his whereabouts. One pre-college summer school student told of their alleged encounter with the liberated future president:

“My parents paid a lot for me to go here… Oh David Blaine? Yeah, I was walking through Thayer when I noticed a custodian mopping ominously in the shadows. As I approached, he winked and pointed to the door behind me. When I looked back, he was gone! The broom was just floating in mid air!” 

A large-scale joint effort between Securitas and the Cambridge Police Department was almost successful in returning the escaped future president when Mr. Blaine was located, captured, and trapped in a steel crate dangled over the Weeks bridge treacherously hanging atop the Charles river surrounded by a swarm of police officers. Hours later, police checked the trap, hoping the limited oxygen supply would have left Blaine in a weak and weary state, however  David Blaine had magically vanished.

At press time, the most promising lead to Blaine’s whereabouts is that certain sense of wonder felt by students only once a day when the setting sun perches just so above  Harvard Yard, casting long golden beams throughout the red brick buildings and instilling a little feeling of magic in the hearts of young and old alike.

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