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Pooping the Harvard Art Museums: 3 Things to Know Before You Go

The secret to a liberal farts education.

Few undergraduates at Harvard can say that they’ve been to the Harvard Art Museums. Fewer still take classes there every day. Even fewer can say that they have gone to the museums specifically to defecate within the same walls that exhibit the greats of Impressionism, Abstract Expressionism, and ancient Tupperware bearing the likenesses of goofy critters. That’s why the brave investigative journalists here at Satire Vlyby collaborated with Crimson Arts to take a deep dive into the scatological secrets buried within the Fogg, Busch-Reisinger, and Arthur M. Sackler Museums at Harvard University. Read on, and grow in wisdom.

You don’t need Museum admission to poop in the bathrooms.

But you might as well get the fancy plastic clip so that you can spend the rest of the day looking cultured and élite! When people eye you walking down the street with the brightly-colored marker of artistic cultivation, they will imagine you perusing Monet’s Gare Saint Lazare in all your aesthetical glory, while in reality you were there simply for a peripatetic poop.

There are two bathrooms, one on the ground floor, and one on the basement level.

This is important. The bathroom on the first floor is small—there is only one stall—and crowded by tourists. For a more peaceful and discreet dump, consider going to the basement level, where the bathrooms have three (3) stalls and much less foot traffic. 

The toilet water is blue.

How fancy is that shit.

The incessant hum of the pale-yellow lighting; the sleek, stainless steel stalls that are at once functional and beautiful; the transcendent feeling of emerging from the Art Museums feeling both relieved and rejuvenated. In sum, evacuating one’s bowels in the bowels of the Harvard Art Museums is certainly an unforgettable experience, one that every Harvard undergraduate must undertake.  

Our partner with the Crimson Arts gives this experience five negative reviews of a universally acclaimed Kendrick Lamar album out of five.

© 2019