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Please Help: I Summoned a Demon Named Chunky Mephistopheles and Now I Am Being Ad-Boarded

Please hurry, I'm a bit overwhelmed by all this.

I write to you in need of assistance. At this very moment, Chunky Mephistopheles is on the roof of the Carpenter Center casting what I assume is a spell of destruction and I worry that this will anger my Resident Dean.

Any iota of advice you could give me is very welcome. I have nicknamed the spirit “Girthy Bob” at his repeated insistence, and Girthy Bob has already purchased every Marlboro cigarette in a seven mile radius. I am unsure if this is relevant, but perhaps it inspires sympathy in College administrators. If you could let me know, that would be great. 

I am truly at a loss. He has already etched “The Downpour Cometh” – adjacent a doodle of a phallus – on a number of buildings and it is only a matter of time before maintenance finds out. Honestly, I don’t know where to start explaining that bit. If you are aware of another spirit or rabbit or something I could blame for the property damage, Girthy Bob and I would really appreciate it.

Normally I would email my tutors to explain the situation in a calm and rational fashion, but Ms. Sex Cannoli (he changed his nickname again) keeps changing my email password to a series of hieroglyphs, so that is a bust. I have also considered sending him back to the underworld, but he says this would require a goat sacrifice, and blood is icky. I am all ears to suggestions that do not involve blood. The other three humors are fine.

Ms. Sex Cannoli has begun to distribute answers to the Ec 1011 final (the letter “J” over and over again), which is a pretty clear violation of the Student Handbook. Do you think this will get me in trouble? If anyone has experience dealing with these things, please let me know at my new email,

Please send help. Oh, he wanted me to add that if you’re down, he’s on Hinge, Grindr, and ChristianMingle, and is a fickle yet generous lover.


A Level 2 Sorcerer
Harvard College Class of 2020
Joint Concentration in Folklore & Mythology and Pentagons
© 2019