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The Official Guide to the Lizard Club’s Annual Taming of the Lizards

The front door of a final club, where a hand-made sign saying "The lizard" with a cartoon lizard has been hung above the door
No Girl Lizards Allowed!

Harvard’s hottest and most exclusive final club, the Lizard Club, will soon welcome its newest punch class, which can only mean one thing: it’s time for the annual Taming of the Lizards punch initiation formal! 

Attendance is invite-only, and invitations will be sent by The Lizard Man. If you see The Lizard Man standing outside your window, scaly arm and sharp claws pointing directly at your torso, and vertical pupils staring straight through your soul, you have been Invited. You will know the Taming of the Lizards is beginning when the flutter of one-thousand scurrying reptiles erupts from the cold earth of the club’s recently acquired luxury social space: the abandoned former Jefe’s location.

The Taming of the Lizards is a night of celebration and brotherhood for new members and their guests. Attendees each year look forward to trials like The Lizard Bath. Junior Claudia Hemwick shared, “you can’t miss The Lizard Bath! It’s such a cool tradition to watch all the punches writhe and squirm while lizards crawl over and through their collective body.” Prompted to address hazing accusations, Hemwick responded,“I guess if I had to think of a downside, my friend was punching last year and after that night, I no longer recognized him as who he was but rather what he had Become.” 

And punches aren’t the only ones in on the fun; Club master Elizabeth provides treats and festive drinks to all in her domain! Guests jump at the chance to meet the delightful Elizabeth. She is warm and enchanting to all, as long as the guests comply with her one rule: no phones.

“I didn’t mind not having my phone,” commented one of last year’s punches, “because I wanted to erase any memory of that place or those lizards. We are so attached to technology, but without my phone I felt really in the moment. A moment that would scar me for the rest of my days. I wish they had taken away my eyes too.”

The night culminates with the punches’ final trial before The Lizard Man. One-by-one, each punch will walk into the brotherhood room with only him and The Lizard Man. For six minutes, the punch will be at the will of The Lizard Man. Sometimes The Lizard Man is kind. Sometimes The Lizard Man is angry. Non-members are prohibited from entering the initiation room for their own safety, and guests are forbidden from making eye contact with The Lizard Man, which would send him into a violent spiral, spelling out certain doom for the mortals.

All surviving punches are escorted to the basement, where a private group ritual takes place. While only the members know what goes on during this portion, an anonymous source reported succumbing to the harmonious chirps, squeaks, and hissing while whispering the chant “we are one. We are Lizard.” For punches, this is the moment where they are no longer men. They are something greater.

Each year, the Taming of the Lizards sparks conversation about final clubs and gender inclusivity. 

“It stinks that the club doesn’t allow women. I guess the relentless undying thirst of the lizard man can only be quenched by the life force of wealthy young gentlemen. But, I don’t know. Feels a bit patriarchal.”

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