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Occupy Lamont Protests End, Thousands Dead

CAMBRYDGE, MA -- Harvard Yard was riddled with trenches on Wednesday as the grieving Harvard community banded together to bury its dead after the Occupy Lamont protests degenerated into an apocalyptic bloodletting, which chroniclers and scribes are already referring to as “The Battle of Lamont.”

“This is a dark time for our University,” grunted President Drew Faust as she shoveled loose dirt into a mass grave. “This so-called Battle of Lamont has proved to be even bloodier than The Great Blocking Drama of ’95 and more difficult to clean up than Harvard’s 375th.”

The forces that led to this catastrophe were set in motion when a band of disgruntled students and library employees “occupied” the library in protest of planned library staff reductions and the University’s recent announcement that Harvard administrators would be claiming the right of Primae Noctis over the wives and daughters of university employees. “We reject these most odious machinations and insults to our manful pride” said Edward “The Goth” Robinson, local serf and de facto leader of Occupy Lamont.

As the protest wore on into the night, rage began to simmer among students attempting to study or complete homework. “The chanting and banners were really annoying, but I just tried to ignore it,” remembers Henry Hernandez ’14. “But once they started laying waste to the café and burning suspected heretics, I knew I had to do something.” Whipped into a Berserker-like rage by sleep deprivation, over-caffeination, and the fiery rhetoric of a mysterious student identified only as “Jimmy the Hermit,” students took up arms against the marauders. The confrontation soon escalated into ruthless hand-to-hand fighting, and at least one defenestration. Those looking to escape the violence found themselves trapped.  “My study group just wanted to get out of there,” sobbed Ellen Nicoletti ’15, “but the bag check was too slow. They all died in a barrage of arrows.”

 The fighting soon spilled out of the library and into the Yard, where a contingent of engineering students was waiting with trebuchets and ballistae. Eminent chronicler and man of letters Jared of Omaha ’13 describes what happened next: “The ensuing carnage was most terrible to behold. Missiles of all varityes rained down upon the combatants like the retribution of the Almighty and they blood did run in ryvers. Oh! What sorrow to see the venerable Unyversyty rent in twain twixt the base desires of the scholars and the workers and what agony to behold the fairest fruit of scholarship bedecked in all the panoply of war, and slaughtering each other without mercy!”

Upon hearing of the spreading violence, Thomas, the Earl of Dingman, conscripted all able-bodied Harvard freshmen to quell the rebellion, arming them with Annenberg cutlery and marching them to the Yard to join the fray.

It was only after heavy losses had been taken on all sides and a decisive charge on the part of the Equestrian Club that order was restored to the smoldering hellscape that was Harvard Yard. Today, Harvard students reflect somberly on the friends lost and are working tirelessly to rebuild and move on. “In all honesty, corpse-pit duty wouldn’t have been my first choice” admits Logan Murphy ’15, as he douses a pile of bodies with kerosene. “But I lost two roommates last night. They gave their lives to defend this school, so I don’t mind doing some of the dirty work. Plus now I’ve got a massive single all to myself.”

© 2012
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