CAMBRIDGE - Police raided the Widener library stacks Thursday after a student was caught attempting to smuggle roughly 500 grams of cocaine in his backpack, along with an unauthorized copy of Pride and Prejudice.

The security officer on duty notified police when he realized the book in question had not been properly stamped by library staff, requesting SWAT assistance in order to deal with the incident.

Shots were exchanged and several cartel members were critically injured during the ensuing raid, which uncovered a massive subterranean drug manufacturing and distribution center, capable of turning out hundreds of kilograms of cocaine every hour, twenty-four hours per day, with stations in most parts of the Harvard library system. Thousands of the College's books were found with their pages hollowed out, stuffed full of illicit substance. 

"The kids come to the library all the time with their study equipment. You know, laptops, books, heavily armed mercenaries, and that's all well and good," said the officer who discovered the smuggler. "But every so often you get a bad apple in the bunch who decides the rules aren't for him, and tries to sneak out with library property. I knew something was up when I saw the bulge in the front pocket of that backpack. You always check the front pocket; you never know when someone might be lugging an encyclopedia in there."