CAMBRIDGE, MA – Paramedics rushed to Lamont Library last night after security guard Janice P. Hopper suffered her sixth unchecked bag-induced panic attack of 2018.

“My New Year’s resolution was to stop worrying so much,” Hopper said as she was carted out on a stretcher. “But with each unchecked bag that passed under my gaze, my fingers would twitch, my blood pressure would spike, and all I could think of was how many rare copies of The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz were hidden in the dark recesses of the least accessible pocket of that bag.”

Hopper recovered quickly after being reassured that “no one has taken a book off Lamont’s shelves since 2007.” But her case is not isolated. Less than two weeks into the spring semester, multiple security officers have suffered similar attacks, sparking outrage that Lamont did not more gradually phase out its bag check policy last October.

Some are calling for the complete re-instatement of bag checks. Librarian Damian Q. Yates commented, “Bag checks were always meaningless. However, the theater of it all was essential in preserving that unique feeling of inconvenience, meaninglessness, and futile searching that accompanies any visit to Lamont. It’s simply not the same without it.”

Despite these recent setbacks, Lamont administrators are hopeful that additional reforms planned for the spring can be implemented. These include Airbnb-ing out sections of the library during finals period and replacing the current café with Clover because “just ruining the Science Center wasn’t enough” and “money.”