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I Understand People Are Upset, But If It Helps I Will Be Making a Lot of Money

Drew G. Faust
They say money can't buy happiness, but does this look like the face of an unhappy person??

By Drew Faust

Dear Members of the Harvard Community, 

As many of you know, today I accepted a job sitting on the Board of Directors at Goldman Sachs. Subsequently, I have received much criticism for supposedly contradicting my statements that condemned the current state of the financial system in the United States. 

For example, I have noted that the financial crisis took a significant toll on so many, including members of our own community. But, if it makes you feel any better, I’m getting paid a fuckton amount of money. 

I understand that it is my responsibility as a leader to dedicate myself to the betterment of society, but it is also my responsibility as someone who wants money to take it when it is offered to me. Anyone who likes to have new and cool things, like a Super Soaker CPS 2000 water gun or a solo trip to the Moon,  can identify with this.

I know that I have encouraged many of you to follow your passion rather than accept gobsmacking amounts of cash. I say a lot of funny things all the time. Please do whatever you want.

Harvard Drew is gone. This is Goldman Drew, and word around the water cooler is that people are going to start calling me “D-rew,” finally. I have a corner office on the 40th floor. I have air conditioning. I have enough big ones to buy a big-ass Lamborghini. 

No more falling through the floorboards in Massachusetts Hall. I am writing vague and slightly ominous emails for Goldman now. I mean, did you really think I was going to “go to Cape Cod” and “catch up on the literature”? Please.

Anyways, I’ll see you in a year or two when I’m your boss again. 


Drew Gilpin Fau$t


Image credit: Harvard Magazine

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