and entering

Harvard Square Unveils Trendy, Affordable New Restaurant: Tiffany Diamonds

A quaint atmosphere

Following pleas for more accessible eateries in Harvard Square, the Cambridge Planning Board announced this Thursday the opening of a new restaurant all Harvard students can afford: Tiffany & Co.

“Our beloved square has seen plenty of changes in eating options recently and with that many complaints from the community,” said zoning officer, Maria Sanchez. “Restaurants like Tátte and Blue Bottle Coffee have been described as ‘accessible only to wealthy Harvard students.’ And I want you to know that we hear you. Now, even the ultra-wealthy can enjoy a wholesome meal with friends at their local fine jeweler.

“People say I must get some sick pleasure in raising the rents in Harvard Square” said R. Seth Black, Managing Director of Asana Partner, the real estate investment company that priced-out Crema Cafe and owns much of Brattle Street property. “But let me tell you, I used to play monopoly as a child. I was so good, that now my family won’t even talk to me. That’s why one by one I will crush each green plastic house in my hands and replace them with beautiful, sexy red monstrosity hotels where guac is three dollars extra oh god yes! WHO’S THE SORE WINNER NOW, DAD?!?!”

The menu at the new Tiffany & Co includes a variety of delectibles from the Mother-of-Pearl Parmesan, to the 24 Karat salad, to the shop’s signature dish, the blood diamond grinder: a sparkly selection of non-fair trade diamonds from Sierra Leone served on a classic Boston roll and slathered with a Sriracha Aioli. As one student put it, “I wasn’t sure I should be dropping the dough on the sapphires. But I’m a little slut for aioli so of course I splurged.”

The heavy price of these precious snacks has left many graduate students concerned about how they will access food.

“Harvard square is already rated a ‘low-access zone’ for groceries,” said GSAS student, Maura Harrison. “The square is so expensive that I have to walk to Porter to buy food. They have a Zales there. I still can’t afford it, but I’m getting a masters in Philosophy so I should probably get used to saying that.”

Many other students complain about how the rise of expensive eateries might increase socio-economic stratification.

“There’s already a big premium on status here,” said Horatio Mata. “Many of the super-rich have smashed all their teeth from eating precious gems all the time, and they love to show them off. Whether it’s Canada Goose Jackets or horrendous oral deformities, the rich love to wear their privilege.”

At press time, the Cambridge planning board announced that Tiffany’s would be collaborating with two other accessibility-minded restaurants now named,  Milk Bar &Pizza & Tiffany & Co.

© 2019