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Harvard Shocked, A Little Offended, to Find Yale Took More Money From Eager Parents in Admission Process

"I just cannot see how this is possible."

CAMBRIDGE, MA.— Dean of Harvard Admissions William R. Fitzsimmons was surprised to note that Yale had been offered more money over the past few admission cycles from overeager parents attempting to bribe their kids into the school than Harvard had. According to eye witnesses, when Dean Fitzsimmons read the Justice Department report, he seemed perplexed and mumbled “$400,000…?” 

“Look, I mean it’s not like the money is from REAL celebrities anyway.” He noted. “I  couldn’t even begin to tell you the list of people who have tried to bribe me…Full House? More like Full WALLET!…of course we completely condone these actions and Yale should be ashamed of itself.” Other Harvard Faculty members voiced similar concerns. “Listen, it doesn’t matter that they tried to bribe their way into Yale!” Dean Khurana could be heard yelling. “$400,000 isn’t even that much! Talk to me when your endowment is the size of a small country.” 

Student Reginald Quincy VII was so shocked that he had to take a break from polo practice to process the news."These parents paid for their kids go to Yale?" Quincy asked. "Who in god's name would throw away their money on a safety school?" 

According to admissions documents, Harvard has a longstanding tradition of very generous parents who donate buildings, unrelated to their child’s application. “I mean, these parents are just so generous,” Fitzsimmons told us. “They’re sending in checks left and right. For the children. I mean… not THEIR children obviously. But Harvard’s children.” 

At press time, Fitzsimmons could be seen furiously searching “Lori Laughlin FAILS.” 

Image credit: The Harvard Crimson

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