SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Harvard EMTs Pumped For Visitas

It is every EMS staffer's dream to schlepp a passed-out high school student here.

CAMBRIDGE, MA–Speaking after a recent meeting, local EMTs were thrilled that Visitas was less than a week away.

“Being an EMT is very rewarding, but sometimes it can get pretty dull,” explained Jenny Roberts, who has worked as a first-responder in the Harvard area for the last six years. “When we’re not responding to a call, we just sit in the back of the ambulance playing Settlers of Catan, so it’s always nice when we have a big event like Visitas that we know will give us something to do.”

“I’m not saying we want people to get critically injured or fall deathly ill, but it gets really boring when we’re just sitting around here doing nothing,” she said. 

One her coworkers, Danny O’Brien, added that the job is “pretty tame most of the time” with “a few big weekends.” 

“We get a fair number of calls for Housing Day, Harvard-Yale, and Junior Parents Weekend, but nothing compares to Visitas,” he said.

“Visitas is the best,” Roberts echoed. “We know we’re going to get some action. All those high-schoolers who’ve never been to a party before–it’s basically guaranteed that a number of them will do something really stupid, like black out trying to impress their future classmates. The calls are pretty straightforward; we know exactly what’s happened the second we see a kid wearing that red backpack.”

“They’re a bunch of light-weights to be honest,” O’Brien added. “Last year, we ended up treating nineteen pre-frosh for alcohol poisoning, and we took eight of them to the hospital to get their stomachs pumped. I’m not complaining-–it’s a nice change of pace from the usual Saturday night here. And it definitely beats covering an IM Frisbee game.” 

 “All I’m saying, we don’t want anyone to die, but more minor injuries here or there would be nice,” he said. 

© 2016
Category: