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Harvard Admissions En Garde After Fencing Coach’s Scheme Foiled

Specifics of the University investigation are still being fleched out.

This past week, allegations surfaced that Harvard fencing coach Peter Brand recruited athletes in a bribing scheme that is sure to leave many people piste off.

“We discussed the pay-off over a meal,” said Jack Burr, the father who sold Brand’s house. “We planned for dinner, but his schedule was tight so we settled for lunge. He told me ‘Mr. Burr, I’ll get your son into Harvard if you sell my house for hundreds of thousands dollars more than it’s worth. It’s a good deal. What do you say...burr?’ I was so excited that I thought I was going to feint.”

While recent scandals involving UCLA and Yale have concerned the soccer team, many were shocked to learn that this scheme was about a bout. “Thankfully we caught in the NAC of time,” said Dean Claudine Gray. “This is a terrible crime. And they will surely épée the price.”

Harvard fencer Perry Washington wrote on Facebook, “Some people prepare for years to get into a place like Harvard. And so It’s pretty lamé when the ultra wealth can make this kind of attack-on-preparation.” That statement was temporarily deleted from Facebook. But sources say that other fencers encouraged Parry Two Riposte.

At press time, an investigation was launched into the Harvard quidditch team following an anonymous tip from some snitch.

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