and entering

Guy Who RSVP'ed to Sex Week Event Clearly Fucks

Photo of a boy
Carl, who definitely fucks.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- On Tuesday Carl Honenberg ’20 RSVP’ed “going” on Sex Week’s "Talk Dirty to Me" event, letting every one of his Facebook friends know, once and for all, that he definitely "fucks."

“I was pretty sure Carl fucks,” roommate Andrew Yaeger commented yesterday. “He basically never stops talking about 'them chicks,' but it’s good that Sex Week has given me truly concrete opportunity to know that Carl unquestionably fucks.” 

Carl's grandmother, Trixie Honenberg, had not known that her grandson fucks. "I always knew Carl was a special boy,” Trixie says. "But imagine how proud I was to learn that that kid fucks. You can bet the ladies at bridge got an earful on Thursday.” Grandfather Steve Honenberg refused to comment.

When reached for comment, the SHARC educator responsible for the Eliot condom dispenser noted that Carl is their number one patron, as he regularly empties its entire contents straight into his desk drawer, leaving nothing for anyone else. SHARC's official statements reads, “We've had to re-fill this condom dispenser on an unusually frequent basis, but we’re glad to do it because Carl actually fucks. Stay safe, kids."

Among Carl's options for Sex Week, "Talk Dirty to Me" seemed the most accessible to him. Upon inquiry, it seems that Carl believes that the "Orgasm Gap" is a punk rock band, that the clitoris is a species of South American iguana, and that periods are "ugh." 

Carl offered that he “would have marked ‘interested,'" but then people would have just assumed he only masturbated quietly rather than truly fucking. At press time, Carl was definitely not actually going to the event, even though all his future sex partners wished he would.


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