and entering

Friendship Pecking Order Determined by Narrowing of Sidewalk

Scary sidewalk
A tree approaches...the friendship culling is nigh!

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After a harrowing ordeal this past Friday, Timmy R. Simon was devastated to learn that he was the ranked quite low on the friendship pecking order after being forced to walk behind his other four friends as the sidewalk narrowed along Mass Ave.

“One second we were cruising,” Simon recounted, “and then all of a sudden two trash cans and a tree appeared out of nowhere. Almost instantaneously I found myself alone as the rest of the dudes fell into perfect square formation.”

Simon panicked due to the realization he was, in fact, the least important member of his friend group. He said: “I was nearly flat tiring the dudes since I was walking so close behind, trying to pipe in to the conversation every once and awhile.” Five minutes later, a cluster of uneven bricks pushed Simon even closer to the edge of the sidewalk, causing him to be nearly hit by oncoming traffic.

Simon’s suspicions that he was lowest on the pecking order had been building for some time. Last week, he arrived to dinner last and had to sit at the fourth seat of an adjacent table already occupied by a group of 3 girls. On Halloween, after involuntarily sitting criss-cross applesauce on the ground since all the couches were occupied, Simon ended up taking pictures of the other four in their costumes for nearly 30 minutes.  

After a whirlwind night out on Saturday full of awkwardly dancing outside of the group’s circle, Simon sunk even deeper into despair when the group unapologetically forced him to sit upfront with the driver of their UberXL.

© 2018