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FOP Fails to Provide Sexual Awakenings

A hopeful freshman prepares for a night of disappointment.

According to a troubling report released this Monday by Harvard's Freshman Outdoor Program, 84% of students completed this year’s program without experiencing a sexual awakening. Despite their best efforts to have a "wilderness experience," it appears the vast majority of participants have a wholesome, sexless time.

According to Ariane LePetit '18, she had little opportunity to explore her fledgling sexuality during her 8-day backpacking trip. "It was kind of frustrating honestly. We had all these nights spooning under the tarp- I thought I would at least feel something stirring in my loins, but nope. Nada."

Matthew Coleman '18, a pre-frosh who described his sexuality as "nascent" was similarly disappointed in his hopes for a brief, but revelatory dalliance. "There was this moment on my switch trip where all the guys took off their shirts and we splashed around in the water. It was fun and all, but I wasn't actually titillated at any point, so that kinda sucked."

Several participants who prefer to remain anonymous have shared similar anecdotes:

"I got stung by a bee on my upper thigh and my FOP leader rolled up my shorts to cleanse the area. I hoped our eyes would meet for a single moment of mutual thirst, but things stayed totally platonic. I wasn't even semi-erect."

"Every afternoon, I would watch the boys lick the inside of their bowls to get them clean after lunch. And I wish I could say I felt something awaken within me, watching those ravenous, probing tongues at work. But I didn't."

While FOP leadership has acknowledged shortcomings among participants, they point to high successes among FOP leaders. This year, 100% of leaders reported that "something just happened" as they and their co-leader were setting up a bear bag line between two sycamores.

"We were both a little out of breath from pulling the rope taut and then he put out his finger and twanged it like a violin string. A surprisingly clear note rang out, and as I watched the rope vibrate, I realized that I too was trembling in my very core," elaborated all 75 FOP leaders in more or less the same words.

At press time, all FOP leaders were clutching each others faces with tortured desire and saying that they wish they knew how to quit each other.


© 2014