and entering

Final Clubs Sanctions Eliminate Sexual Assault, All Other Campus Woes

The sanctions against final clubs like the Fly have purged the campus of sexual assault, transphobia, swai, and Harvey Mansfield's wardrobe choices.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Sexual assault, every form of race-, class-, and gender-based discrimination, and all other campus woes were completely canceled this Friday morning as Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana issued sanctions against single-sex organizations with the support of President Drew Faust.

"It was amazing to see all of the concerns I had about Harvard as an undergraduate institution completely canceled with this frighteningly rash decision" said Kenny Johnson '18. "I sincerely believe that this decision will make lasting changes to the culture of discrimination that plagues our campus, and not just piss a bunch of people off. It's really amazing how this one move eliminated all sexual assault on campus when only about 17% of sexual assaults occur at final clubs."
Khurana also issued a statement announcing how excited he was to single-handedly eliminate sexual assault and discrimination by purging this vanishingly small proportion of students of whatever extremely limited influence they had on campus life.
"LALALALALALA," the Dean said as groups of women and minorities attempted to share their experiences with discrimination in the "recognized" spaces of the college, which drastically outnumbered such experiences in final clubs. Khurana's ban also extends to black Greek organizations and all-female groups.
© 2016