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Drew Faust Launches New Capstone Sustainability Project by Hand-Tilling the Yard

Drew Faust launches the new project.

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. — Just a couple weeks before her 17-year career as Harvard's president comes to a close, Drew Faust surprised the Harvard community by announcing the implementation of a capstone Harvard sustainability project.

Dressed in denim overalls, a plaid red flannel, and a matching red bandana, Faust took to the University Hall steps to outline, before a confused smattering of nearby tourists and students, the "transformative new initiative."

“For too long, the fields of Harvard Yard have been neglected and allowed to sit fallow as growing season after growing season has passed them by. No longer,” an animated Faust began. “Our fields will flourish with the fruits of our labor! Our granaries will overflow like the cornucopias of our forefathers! The spirit of Harvard will grow heavy with the spirit of horticulture!”

After concluding her speech, Faust grabbed a ceremonial silver hoe from her trusty Dean of Students and newly appointed Dean of Harvest Rakesh Khurana and tilled a ceremonial first furrow across from the John Harvard Statue. Despite repeated requests from Khurana to return with him to their administrative offices, Faust reportedly continued methodically taking hoe to earth through the night until she had uprooted the entirety of the Harvard Yard grass.

“I had no idea what Drew had been spending her time on these last few weeks except that she kept muttering something about 'returning to our agrarian roots.' Oh, and there was that one day last week I saw her pull a full cabbage out of her lunch pail.” added Leslie Kirwan, Faust’s newly appointed Chair of Weather Whispering.

At press time, Faust was found standing on the steps of Tercentenary addressing a collection of newly selected seeds.

“Welcome, class of 2021,” she began with a smile. “I am so excited to meet all of you. Over the next four years, you will be worked into the ground by able hands, you will be nourished with the country’s finest cow manure, you will be rained on day and night, your weeds will be taken away from you and so to with the toxic fermentation of malicious yeasts. Now go, my little ones, and flourish!”

© 2018