and entering

Area Man Unsure Which Dual-Function Flush Option Best Suits His Needs

Shewster's commodal conunundrum

CAMBRIDGE, MA - After carefully taking a look at the diagram, local resident Austin E. Shewster was overheard in a Harvard restroom Monday furiously debating which dual-function flush option best suited his needs. Observing the sodden, indeterminate mess he had just expelled, Shewster contemplated whether to pull up or push down on the cheery green germ-protected handle. “Pulling up on the handle (liquid waste) uses a mere 1.1 gallons of water, while pushing down uses 1.6 gallons of precious life-giving fluid”, he muttered anxiously to himself. “However, there’s always the risk that the lesser flush wouldn’t be 100% effective, necessitating the implementation of a second up-flush, bringing the total water used to 2.2 gallons.”

“Think of California”, he admonished himself. “They really need that half gallon of water. But it’s not like one flush is going to make that much of a difference one way or the other. Is it?” Unbidden, an image came into his mind of the scorched, barren wasteland that used to be Los Angeles—the site of the 2037 water wars. “Do I really want to be the sort of person who wantonly wastes perfectly good water just to effectively flush some intermediate waste? Am I already that person?”, he mumbled miserably. 

Shewster’s attempts to gather input from his fellow bathroom-goers were unsuccessful—his entreaties to “just come have a look and tell me where you think I should be going with this” met with cries of disgust and “dude, please eat some fiber or something”.

At press time, Shewster was observed to be cackling maniacally while washing his hands as 3-7 gallons of water ran down the drain each minute.

© 2017