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Scurvy Under Thirty: This College Student Is On Track to Become the World’s Youngest 16th Century Pirate

A cartoon pirate wearing an eyepatch, pirate hat, and earrings smiles eagerly at an open laptop. The laptop has three stickers on the back, an H '23, an HCCG logo, and the Porcellian Club logo.
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CAMBRIDGE, MA- Thought you were #winning at college? Think again. Allow that impostor syndrome to simmer when you hear what your industrious fellow-collegian has been up to: after testing positive for scurvy, David “Davy” Jones ‘23 is well on track to becoming a full-fledged 16th century pirate by age 30. How do you like them apples?

You’ve heard of Harvard students achieving amazing things, like that Bostonian who wrote Good Will Hunting or that bodacious redhead who started Facebook. Well they’ve got nothing on this guy–he already lost all his teeth and has bleeding gums due to lack of vitamin C!

How did he achieve this amazing feat, you ask? “I haven’t even seen a fruit in three months,” Jones boasted. “I just kept my head down, focused on my goal of being the youngest 21st century person to become a 16th century pirate, and I guess my hard work and terrible diet paid off. It definitely gets easier once you can no longer chew solid foods.” 

Unsurprisingly, the post-grad job offers have been flooding in like the high tide under a full moon. “Have you heard of Columbus Venture Colonial? No? Yeah they’re like the biggest firm in the business. They’ve been scouting me ever since they learned I have scurvy.” Jones smugly explained that “this company’s got all the treasure” and that “the first year is mostly grunt work: swabbing the deck and stuff. Once they give you a peg leg, you know you’ve made it.”

When asked about his future plans, this student dreamed big. “I’m going to get an eye patch, then build my own fleet. I’m obviously not going to do the whole rape-pillage-colonize thing because I’d be cancelled. I think I’ll just use my dad’s South African diamond investments to buy a yacht. That feels much more modern.”

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