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Randy Bullock Wins Close Fantasy Matchup

This guy is just great.

Randy Bullock, kicker for the Houston Texans, came away with a narrow victory over his frat brother Thad last night in a matchup that boiled down to his final field goal attempt in the dying seconds of the fourth quarter of Sunday Night Football. Bullock's team, SuckMyJohnson, was down by 67.3 points going intoSunday night, with only Andre Johnson and Case Keenum left to play, while Thad's team, TheFatRandyBallsacks, only had Texans Kicker Randy Bullock left to play. When asked whether this was a big game, Bullock replied "Yeah, bro, it was huge. I got off to a rocky start this season. After the draft, I was projected to make it all the way to the Super Bowl in my league, but after winning my first two games, I ended up being 2-5 going into the bye last week. I knew I had to win this game if I was going to have any chance at the wildcard."

When asked about Texans quarterback Case Keenum, who was starting only his second ever NFL game, Bullock said, "Yeah, I had to start Case cause Stafford was on bye. Thad got lucky with Nick Foles earlier in the day, and I needed Case and Andre both to have huge games. I thought I was screwed, bro, but then Case strapped on his big boy balls and threw three huge TD bombs straight to Andre in the first half, putting me in range to beat Thad." Bullock was finally able to miss a field goal at the end of the second quarter after making three extra points, but accidentally made another field goal in the third quarter.

Luckily, after the Colts managed to take a three-point lead towards the end of the fourth quarter, Keenum and Johnson both made incredible plays during a fifty-second zero-timeout drive that brought the Texans into field goal range with just enough time to get off a kick that could have sent the game into overtime, netting Bullock the points he needed to take the lead. "Oh yeah that final drive," Bullock said, "That was awesome. The game was so close, I was, like, glued to the live score feed on my phone. By the time Case brought us into field goal range, my team was up by 1 point, and I knew that all I had to do to beat Thad was miss this kick. God, the pressure was, like, crazy intense, and at first I was afraid I would make it. But I kept myself calm, and I thought to myself, you're Randy Goddamn Bullock. If anyone can miss the kick, you can. So I went out there and I shanked the ball straight to the left, and now SuckMyJohnson is sitting at 3-5. It feels great to finally get that W."

Bullock will spend the rest of the week trying to trade Andre Ellington and Jacoby Jones for Marshawn Lynch in preparation for his matchup with Gary's undefeated team, GoLuckYourself.

© 2013