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NBA Adds Choking Hazard Warnings to Warriors Dolls

The Andre Iguodala doll also has special programming to flop on command.

OAKLAND, CA--Spurred on by a series of shocking events in Oakland that began this spring and continued yesterday, the NBA has added a “choking hazard” warning to its popular Warriors doll collection, while officials at the Consumer Safety Commission have launched a full-fledged investigation into the dolls.  

Already, several alarming incidents have surfaced. Due to a defect that causes the Stephen Curry doll's ankles to break down when exposed to chemicals from a Kawhi Leonard, Kyrie Irving, or Above Average Point Guard doll, the Curry doll famously disintegrated into a pile of miniature bricks in at least four separate incidents in California and Ohio over seven days last June.
Additionally, investigators found that applying pressure to the Curry doll at any structural weak point, including defense, physical strength, mental toughness, or clutch performance would cause the doll to stiffen up and lose the soft touch that had made it so popular.
The Draymond Green doll has also been updated, and now comes in home, away, throwback, and prison uniforms. Green also comes pre-programmed with a set of buttons that, when pushed, cause his legs to flail around and kick the nearest doll’s groin. In a cruel twist of fate, Green's own groin also fell victim to the update, as his genitalia were downsized after engineers became aware of Green's leaked Snapchats.
Overall, however, all was not lost these past few months. Fans disappointed with Curry and Green can now buy the latest addition to the Warriors doll collection, Kevin Durant, for the one-time price of ruining the NBA. Included with every Durant doll is a boxed set of kitchen knives, proportioned to fit perfectly into the backs of his former Thunder teammates.
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