THE LIVING ROOM – The nation's dads announced today an ambitious plan to cut the number of goddamm remotes in half by the year 2030.

"There's just too many freakin' remotes," said Burt T. Underwood, dad of two. "That's why the other dads and I put together this plan of action," he added, waving around a La Quinta Inn notepad with some notes scribbled on it.

According to the dads' action plan, the number of goddamn remotes reached critical mass when it tipped from three to four. This set off a panicked fury in the living room and beyond. "What does the gray one even do? How many volume buttons do I need?" huffed Frank W. Meyers, dad of three.

"When I accidentally took the living room TV remote to my bedroom, I knew there was a problem," said Bruce A. Henderson, dad of one. "First I called my daughter into the room and blamed her. Then I said to myself, 'This cannot stand. There are too many goddamn remotes.'"

The action plan lays out a timeline of a dozen years, over the course of which one remote will be discarded every four years, until only a single remote remains. The proposal, however, rejects the idea of a universal remote. "Too many buttons," said Underwood. "The dads didn't like that."

At press time, the nation's dads announced plans to double the number of wall-mounted beer bottle openers by 2040.

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