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Justin Bieber to Replace Late Paul Walker in Fast & Furious 7

Miami, Florida--- After being released on $2500 bail from Miami-Dade County jail yesterday afternoon, the agent of 19 year-old pop sensation Justin Bieber announced that the young singer/songwriter had agreed to play Brian O’Connor in the anticipated blockbuster Fast & Furious 7, taking the place of the late, great Paul Walker whose life was tragically cut short in a fatal car accident nearly two months ago. Sources say that the deal was reached during a conjugal visit with the film’s director James Wan that was described as both “brief” yet “profitable for all parties involved”.

“With all of the failed rewrites and alterations in the script, it’s definitely been a struggle since Paul’s passing,” explained Wan, “but when we heard the news of Justin’s early morning exploits, we knew we had found our guy. I always thought he was just some angsty, Mickey Mouse Club alum who never strayed far from his cohort of tired Disney Channel stars. But drag racing a Lambo down South Beach at 4 AM with a babe in the front seat and some brews in the back? I was clearly wrong. He was born for the role.”

Bieber was visibly excited upon his release from jail yesterday afternoon, waving to young fans and paparazzi alike from atop his black Cadillac Escalade, sporting his iconic black hoodie and shiny leather pants. The teen heartthrob refused to talk to reporters who were standing by at the scene, and instead saved his thoughts on both his arrest and his new movie deal for his Twitter account.

“First, I would like to apologize to all of my fans,” Bieber tweeted, “I swear the guy you see in that terrible, yet tasteful mug shot is not the real JB.” Despite Justin’s downplaying of the infamous token of his short, yet eventful stay in county prison, the young star immediately posted the photo to Instagram, accompanied by a plethora of haughty hash tags (#SouthBeach, #LockedUpAbroad, #faded). 

While this proves to be the first substantial blemish on the Beeb’s criminal record, his future in film appears bright. Fast & Furious 7 will be the entertainer’s first film in which he does not appear as himself. The role will be an astonishing step-up from his last acting job, where he appeared as sleeping beauty in the ill-conceived Vine of a Brazilian prostitute. 

“While I am ashamed of my actions, I am truly honored by the opportunity that they have afforded me,” Bieber later wrote. “I’m going to make Paul proud….I never met him, but I would like to think he was a Belieber.”

© 2014