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Four Affordable Alternatives to Men When You Are Craving Warmth in the Winter

A coat is an item you put on for warmth.

Winter is here, and along with it comes subzero temperatures, 4pm sunsets, and emotionally empty arrangements to ward of seasonal loneliness. Unfortunately, heating can be unreliable and expensive, which makes it tempting to search for a free heat source in the form of the boy next door. 

But have no fear! Here are four affordable alternatives to men to keep you warm in the winter:

1) A Coat 

Everyone knows that a coat is a fashionable layering item, but did you know it’s also a garment worn for warmth? Buy a coat to block out the winter wind or the prospect of hooking up with your mediocre ex-boyfriend, who, like you, has no concept of boundaries! Canada Goose jackets are $1000 a pop, but don’t worry — even if your coat isn’t stuffed with goose down or made with custom Arctic-Tech blend, nothing will be less flimsy than your cuffing season arrangement. 

2) Fuzzy Socks

Socks are items worn on your feet, which are what you should use to walk away from casual propositions for “friends with benefits.” Although you may imagine yourself having a steamy, toe-curling sex, you’ll more likely end up with self-loathing and cold feet. Spare your feet from turning dead, even if your heart already is. Fuzzy socks are less than $10 and come in all different varieties — unlike your cuffing partner, who just comes in “meh.” 

3) Electric Blanket

If you’re looking for something to warm your bed at night, try an electric blanket! It has electrical wires for heating, so it’s the perfect item to compensate for the spark that you and your cuff mate don’t have. Newer blanket models have safety features to prevent them from overheating, which is more than you can say for your Tinder match, who consistently sweats all over your twin XL bed. Electric blankets start at $29.99 — less than you’d pay to get one fucking night of quality sleep.  

4) Fire 

If everything else is too expensive, try fire! You can use it to set yourself ablaze before you text that finance bro who sends you a daily "wyd?" Rub some Harvard Yard branches together or snag a lighter from your nearest member of the Advocate. Both options are free, which is more than you'll be able to say for yourself if you become #cuffed.

Stay warm, everybody!


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