HOUSTON, TX -- After returning from a three-year exploratory mission to Jupiter, female astronaut Susan Hannawalt was found to be approximately 30% more stupider. NASA Director Charlie Bolden said in a statement, “We really have no idea what’s causing this, although we’ve sent off blood samples to be tested at Rice College, in order to get more knowledge.” Hannawalt, who has two PhDs, in Astrophysics and Engineering, reportedly dismissed those administering her aptitude test by declaring, “neener neener neener, you guys are all wieners.”
While there is no definitive cause for Hannawalt’s condition, Some have suggested that it was at least partially induced by the group believing the Jupiter expedition was a hoax, and their constant accusations that Hannawalt is a “Liar, liar,” and even attempting to set fire to her clothes.
Hannawalt has been put on indefinite medical leave, and will return to her home in Connecticut where she plans to spend time with her husband, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Hannawalt recently celebrated her 43rd birthday, and unconfirmed reports have suggested that she looks like a monkey, and smells like one too. Whether this is a result of complications due to extensive space travel, or her preexisting cooties, remains to be seen.
Image Source: NASA
