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Ashton Kutcher Saves Two and a Half Men

Kutcher sustained mild injuries and a massive following in the midwest.

In a moment of heroism, actor Asthon Kutcher managed to salvage three men from a brutal train wreck, though one escaped with only his torso intact.

After the driver of the train lost control in a cocaine-fueled rage that derailed the locomotive from its already shaky tracks, Kutcher tried desperately to revive the maimed man with his trademark combination of witty humor and youthful sex appeal.

Despite Kutcher’s uncanny resemblance to a man who would potentially save three men from a train, his performance was described as “less than successful.”

The now-paraplegic train-wreck victim expressed gratitude to be alive, but said Kutcher spent most of the ambulance ride trying to lighten the mood by saying, “Dude, where’s my legs?” and laughing nervously to himself.

Sources confirmed that Kutcher is staying by the side of the two and a half men until they make a full recovery, though medical officials say the chances of such an outcome are bleak.  



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