and entering

Area Girl Uses ~Squigglies~ So Her Crush Will Think She’s ~Totally Laidback~

Hampton is ~too fun~ to punctuate her sentences ~correctly~.

CAMBRIDGE, MASS.—Ellie R. Hampton ’18 has begun adding ~squigglies~ to her texts to her crush, giving her texts a ~cool vibe~ and indicating that she is ~not like the other girls~.

Last Monday, Hampton realized that the most effective way to give Carson T. Alberts ’18 the sense that she is ~totally laidback~ is to throw in entirely gratuitous ~squigglies~ whenever she texts him.

“I started seeing immediate results,” Hampton commented. “I asked if he would ~maybe~ want to get a meal or ~something~ in the Adams dhall at ~some point~, and he responded, ‘yeah sure.’ That’s the most meaningful interaction I’ve had with a male in two years.”

Hampton, who was elected to Phi Beta Kappa and is writing her senior thesis on Keynesian economics, has also started incorporating phrases like “alc,” “good vibez,” and “totes” to show that she’s not some ~stuffy intellectual~ but is instead ~just down for a good time~. Tomorrow, she will pilot inserting spaces before exclamation points to suggest that she is ~too attractive~ to care about ~grammar~ !

“My transcript says ‘3.8 GPA,’ but my texts say ‘sexy sixth grade reading level,’” Hampton explained. “If I spend 7 extra characters typing out ‘right now’ rather than ‘rn,’ Carson will think I’m a loser with too much time on my hands.”

At press time, Hampton was sending Alberts little fork emojis to remind him that they have not yet gotten a meal sometime.

© 2017