After incidents of harassment, brutal sexual assault and victim-blaming left Indians worrying about the status and safety of women in their country, there now appears to be a glimmer of hope on the horizon.

Oslo—The Norwegian Nobel Committee today announced that American President Barack Obama has been awarded the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize. Obama, who now becomes the first person in history to be named a Peace laureate multiple times, was chosen over a number of other nominees including women’s rights advocate Malala Yousafzai and NSA leaker Edward Snowden.

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN—On Tuesday, Nobel Foundation Board Chairman Carl-Henrik Heldin announced a $300 million partnership with Nike. The deal, Heldin said, will give Nike unprecedented merchandising and naming rights in the world’s most prestigious annual awards process.

In light of Pope Francis’s recent interview with several Jesuit publications, in which he condemned the Church’s intense focus on homosexuality, contraception, and other social issues at the expense of core teachings, Catholics worldwide are dismayed to find themselves without a valid excuse not to go to Sunday Mass.

New York-With the resumption of business at the United Nations after a summer recess, member states have been pleasantly surprised by the firm ballooning of economic activity in the world's developing nations.  Previously impoverished and infrastructurally backward countries have finally gained the attention of several first-world nations willing to invest considerable time and money in the hopes of getting sweet, sweet returns.

Documents recently leaked from the upper echelons of the Iranian government reveal that the personal assistant to Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei had forgotten to rig the presidential elections that took place in June this year, enabling the relative political moderate Hassan Rouhani to win without even the need for a runoff.

Nazareth, Israel—Following months of study, researchers have concluded that a conical stone structure discovered beneath the Sea of Galilee must be extraterrestrial in origin. The structure, twice as large as Stonehenge and weighing 60,000 tons, was initially believed to be part of a flooded ancient city, but further analysis has indicated that the area surrounding the structure has been submerged since at least 15,000 years before the birth of Christ, long before humans settled in the region.

Edward Snowden, a former NSA contractor, sacrificed everything to reveal secret government data gathering programs.  Now, after spending a week in the Moscow International Airport, he has broken his silence regarding his life of fear and exile.

“A life of fear is not for me,” said Snowden, chewing on a soft pretzel from Bunska Pretzel, Moscow Airport’s premier pretzel shop. “No, no I can have a long, fulfilling life in this airport.”