MANILA, PHLIPPINES — With Donald Trump assuming the Republican presidential nomination and Rodrigo Duterte elected the newest president of the Philippines, the citizens of the world collectively announced today that look, maybe we should just forget about the whole Democracy thing. “It was nice while it lasted, I guess. But I think it’s clear it’s just not working anymore,” said Manila resident Abian Ramos, who now has to live under a legitimately elected president who once joked that it was a shame a rape victim was so beautiful, because he wish he had been first.
Sources in the U.S. indicate its population was also thinking, yeah, yikes, maybe let’s go ahead and call it quits on Democracy. “America has checks and balances against a true direct democracy, because the founding fathers knew the average citizen was pretty ignorant,” said political analyst Mike Toreno. “But at this point it’s time to admit they severely underestimated the sheer, dumbfounding idiocy of the average citizen.”
Speaking with reporters, individuals around the world confirmed that if we’re going to be stuck with power-hungry, amoral sacks of horse shit as rulers we may as well wash our hands of the responsibility of putting them in charge and just leave that up to birth or power struggles or something. Everyone across the planet agreed that yes, the voice of the people is what gives our leaders the right to rule, but when that voice is a dumb little shit who elects corrupt, self-serving manifestations of a hippopotamus's rectum, maybe we should, you know, not make that voice our guiding political philosophy.
“We should start experimenting again. You know, religious oligarchies, autocratic meritocracies, I hear monarchies are nice this time of year. Then maybe we can at least have some knights and princess nonsense along with our crushing poverty, social Darwinism, and soulless, egotistical ruling class,” said Luke Yarlberg of PA after watching Game of Thrones, sighing contentedly because he knew neither he nor any citizen in the world had a willing part in putting King Geoffrey in charge. “There’s nothing I can do about it. When you play the game of thrones…” he whispered, staring out the window with glazed eyes at the row of Donald Trump lawn signs lining his street.
The world admitted that it’s true some of the most horrific leaders in history have been dictators and monarchs free from any sort of accountability to the populace they rule, but we also elected Hitler at some point, so frankly no one’s really coming out on top here. “Fuck it,” continued every member of humanity. “Let’s just have that nice grandma from England tell us what to do."
When pressed further, members of the human race solemnly agreed that they really feel responsible for the election of these megalomaniacal bastards, even though it's not like they actually voted.
