After incidents of harassment, brutal sexual assault and victim-blaming left Indians worrying about the status and safety of women in their country, there now appears to be a glimmer of hope on the horizon. Following careful consideration of the changes in Indian society over the last several centuries, Udhav Thackeray, the leader and chairperson of the Hindu nationalistic political organization, Shiv Sena, finally upgraded the social status of women from ‘Household appliance’ to ‘Cow’. 

“Women need to be treated with the same respect that we afford to cows,” said Thackeray. “Just as with cows, men who own them should realize that they too are sacred objects.

Women’s rights organizations widely celebrated the remarks. “At any time of the day, a cow can travel the roads of India and people stand by respectfully to allow it to pass—no matter what it’s wearing,” they commented. “We are ecstatic that women are finally being given the same level of rights.” 

However, the comments were not without significant controversy. Several Hindu groups protested, declaring that this move objectifies and degrades a glorious creation of God—the cow.

“Now we’re considering cows as on the same level as women?” they asked. “The next thing you know, we’ll have cows being gang-raped in buses and that’s not something a moral Hindu can stand by and let happen.” 

Other groups bemoaned the degrading values of today’s degenerate generation. “We have to look at the issue scientifically,” they said. “It is important to understand that there are natural, biological differences between cows and women, which lead to a lower social status for women. That isn’t inequality, that’s the way God meant it to be.”

When reached for comment, the cow just displayed an expression of immense sorrow and regret at the state of human affairs and morosely said, “Moo.”