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95 WTF Things About the Catholic Church You Won’t BELIEVE Are True

Martin Luther
About the author: Professor of Theology at Wittenburg Uni, monk of the Augustinian Order

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1. So you know indulgences right?

This stuff, remember?

2. Those things you pay the Church to get you or a dead person time off from Purgatory?

Purgatory, or this horrifying shit

3. Yeah, well, they're pretty messed up.

Not as messed up as whatever the fuck this is, but pretty messed up

4. See, the Church thinks that paying indulgences is the same as living a life of actual repentance.

Me @ the Church

5. Because apparently the Pope can forgive ALL sins???

uhhhhhh....

6. Like ok yeah, the Pope can forgive sins against rules of the Church.

The Pope, writing down a shit ton of rules

7. But all sins??? Yeah, pretty sure that's in GOD's control.

God, measuring out exactly how much bullshit He'll taketh

8. The Church even says that dead people still have to pay indulgences to get out of Purgatory.

Again, this weird shit

9. Uh, no. They're DEAD.

"Ah bummer. Now I gotta pay indulgences to the Church while I'm suffering in Purgatory."

10. Priests literally threaten people on their deathbeds with Purgatory.

Okay, maybe they don't dress up as skeletons.

11. Some people say that a soul flies out of Purgatory as soon as a coin hits the coffer...really?? You sure about that?

The Church, sitting on a pile of souls, waiting to set them free. Apparently souls look like eggs.

12. Yeah more like my soul leaves my body cause of how greedy and fake that is.

Tag yourself I'm the guy on the ground because I am DONE

13. Money =/= repentance!!! Or freedom from Purgatory!!!

Me defending against dogmatic nonsense

14. Some people even think getting indulgences is more important than doing good work. 

@God why are people like this

15. And some sermons spend more time talking about indulgences than about THE ACTUAL WORD OF THE LORD.

Yeah, you know that thing that is at the CENTER OF OUR FAITH

16. So, under this system, rich assholes can BUY their salvation while poor righteous people can't. That's so messed up.

I just, I need to revisit this picture because I honestly have no idea what's going on here but it captures the right emotion.

17. Newsflash: the Pope doesn't have unlimited "Get Out of Purgatory Free" cards.

Oh thank you eversomuch Bartholomeau, I was nearly out of my Go Fuck Yourself I'm The Pope stickers."

18. He has authority and his pardons are important or whatever, but like...

Pope Nicky side-eyeing you for bashing him about the Constantinople thing

19. Not as important as LITERALLY GOD'S

The Pope tryna sneak in on God's divine authority of grace

20. Oh, and what is he doing with all that indulgence money?

The Pope's fitted sheet, apparently

21. Building this ridiculous basilica, called "St. Peter's":

YEAH

22. The Pope is literally SO RICH.

LOOK AT HIS HAT

. Yet he still uses POOR PEOPLE'S indulgence money to pay for THIS?

This is literally so extra

24. Also literally no one knows how much money the church actually has.

The church, building some sort of tower to hide their money, apparently

25. And like yes, Christ grants the Church power in the forgiveness of sins.

"Righteous, dude"

26. And they're just using indulgences to fill their pockets with cash.

Some sort of private party room, probably

27. Now, the Pope will excommunicate anyone who says indulgences are meaningless.

lol BYE

28. Which I'm definitely NOT doing.

There is no sarcasm in this face

29. But like, if you banged the Virgin Mary, the Pope could not forgive you.

Plus she will FUCK YOU UP

30. BTW, the little wooden cross the Pope holds is not the same as Christ's LITERAL CROSS. Jesus.

Spot the difference!

31. Anyway, so if the Pope can forgive ALL sins, why doesn't he just forgive everyone? And release all souls from Purgatory?

Again, Purgatory IS THIS AWFUL SHIT

32. And why are indulgences only issued when the Pope feels like it?

"Should I release any souls from eternal torture? Nah, I'm feeling mopey today."

33. And why doesn't he just build St. Peter's Basilica with his OWN money?

Artist's rendering of the Pope trying to build his own basilica

34. Yeah. And I bet the Church will try to hide this listicle.

The Church trying to hide the truth with their crutches of power

35. But like, if they're doing nothing wrong, why would they?

The Church bending over backwards to jusity themselves while I play my fiddle of truth

36 - 95. Just this image. Seriously, I can't figure it out. What is the snail doing there? Is that like, a human goat thing? Why is the shield making that face? It's so confusing but it also captures how I feel about the Catholic Church right now.

WHAT IS GOING ON?????????

© 1517
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