WASHINGTON D.C. - Pending further review, the Federal Bureau of Dads has yet to establish "who touched the fucking thermostat? Diane? Diane!"

Thermostat touching, a perennial issue for the Bureau, captured the attention of the nation this week, as concerns of "It's 71 fucking degrees in here!" and  "Who do you think is paying for this shit?" continued to mount.

The Bureau, in a rare official statement, emphasized the need for "Jesus Christ, Diane! Put on a sweater if you're cold!"  

A SatireV exclusive investigation revealed that Kim Kardashian broke the Internet last week when she attempted to log onto her Gmail account and found that no webpages were loading.

“Honey! The Internet isn’t working!” she shouted up the stairs, according to sources.

“Huh?”

“The Internet! It’s not working!”

“Huh! Try turning the computer off and on again!” replied her husband, Kanye West, an aspiring musician.

“You know, the one where I scrunch up my chin and look real sad?” said a graying and tired Obama. “One photo—whole presidency down the crapper.”

After five years of attack commercials, “Repeal Obamacare?” popup surveys, disparaging novelty mugs, “Republicans hate him” sidebar ads, pessimistic Washington Post story photos, Rage Face memes, and yard signs, President Barack Obama admits he deeply regrets making that frown in a press conference on March 7th, 2009.  

Willamette Valley, OR—After weeks of fiery rhetoric on both sides of the issue bombarded the state's 3.9 million residents, Oregon’s GMO labeling referendum ultimately faltered at the polls. Initial disbelief at the numbers—442,456 in favor to 9,723,481,122 against—quickly turned into resentful acceptance after realizations that the entire MON 832 corn crop voted against the measure.

AMERICA – In an announcement expected to completely transform the landscape of the tech industry and beyond, Apple CEO Tim Cook has confirmed rumors that he is, in fact, a rich white man. Working in a business world plagued by women and minorities, Tim Cook stands out as a beacon of hope for affluent white males everywhere.

WASHINGTON, DC—Youth everywhere are putting down their mayonnaise poppers and sugar injections and picking up bitter, vitamin C rich bulbs of turnip in response to FLOTUS Michelle Obama’s short, uncomfortable post to Vine last night.

Nevertheless, some critics remain skeptical of the efficacy of the first lady’s hip take on healthy living.

WASHINGTON - Following media reports that President Barack Obama was kidnapped yesterday, the Secret Service released a statement that expressed its belief that something smelled fishy.

“We are of the opinion that something suspicious is going on,” said acting director Joe Clancy in a press briefing, as the Commander-in-Chief was whisked away from the White House in a burlap sack carried by two burly, masked men. “We’re not quite sure what it is, yet, but it’s definitely something that we should check out.”

After years of deliberation, the White Straight Men of the United States have announced their willingness to collaborate and share resources with the White Gay Men of the United States. Although the two groups have experienced tensions in the past, members of the former WSMUS have expressed regret for their past actions noting that progress is “inevitable.” Both groups have expressed optimism for the joint venture, which will henceforth be known as White Men Unltd.

Argentina still boasts the world’s 8^th greatest total land area, with 1,073,518 square miles to Germany’s 137,847.

“That’s nearly eight times as much land!” shouted native Argentinian Sam Vasquez over a deafening chorus of the German national anthem. “Almost makes you feel sorry for Germany.”

Germany, which has not budged from its ranking of 63^rd on the list of countries with the greatest land area, has very little hope of improving its ranking in the foreseeable future, let alone rivaling Argentina in land area.

In the wake of the Supreme Court's recent Hobby Lobby ruling, executives across the nation have chosen not to pay for employees' berth control. 

"It's absolute chaos out here," said Michael Sullivan, of the International Longshoremen's Union, "yachts are crashing into dinghies. People keep mixing up their jetskis and their oil tankers. And don’t get me started on the–OH MY GOD, THE ‘USS CONSTITUTION’ IS ON FIRE.”