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Eighth Annual NSA Secret Santa Ruined by NSA

[REDACTED], USA - In response to the premature end of an annual agency tradition started in 2008, Commander Ad. Michael Rogers confirmed today that the eighth NSA Secret Santa has once again been ruined by the NSA. 

Miss Secretary of State Competition Enters Swimsuit Round

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ — Beneath a glittering wrecking ball outside the bankrupted Trump Taj Mahal on Saturday, the Miss Secretary of State Competition entered its second round: the swimsuit competition.

“Alright, ladies, go on to your dressing rooms and slip into those pretty little bikinis of yours,” the pageant’s host, Chris Christie, bellowed from the stage after contender Mitt Romney finished up the talent competition, in which he twirled a baton to the beat of “America the Beautiful.”

Inspired By Resurgence of Populism, William Jennings Bryan Claws Out of Grave to Make Fourth Presidential Run

DAYTON, TENNESSEE -- In a shocking turn of events this Monday, populist presidential candidate William Jennings Bryan reanimated and dug his way out of his prison beneath the earth after hearing of the recent success of populist ideology in the 2016 presidential election.

Musicals For Trump Supporters Boycotting Hamilton

Guys and Fat Pigs 
 
You're WRONG, Charlie Brown

Something Rotten and Rigged

Yale Football Team Watches The Sound of Music to Get Pumped for The Game

NEW HAVEN, CT--Ahead of the much-anticipated annual match-up between the Harvard and Yale football teams, scouting reports indicate the Yale  Football team is watching The Sound of Music as a morale-building exercise.

Nation Readies Itself for Presidential Election After Rough Dress Rehearsal

WASHINGTON -- After nearly two years of practice leading up to the final dress rehearsal, America performed well below expectations in its November 8th performance of Election Day.
 
President Barack Obama issued a statement in front of the country Wednesday morning in which he expressed his profound disappointment in the results and made suggestions to prepare for the real showing. 
 

Day 236: Still Out Here Waiting on the Fucking Steps to the Congressional Building

Dear Senate,

Based on the lunar phases, it is goddamn Day 236. You have still not voted on my fucking nomination, and I have been waiting on these god forsaken stairs outside of Congress—no food, no water, no gavel—since March.

My shit kids used to visit me twice a day. Now, I’m lucky if those bastards shoot me a message over AIM. My wife already remarried to some poor shmuck named Juan-Carlos. I only find company in this homeless man Craig that wanders over during frigid nights. I am always the small spoon.

Clinton Takes Long, Relaxing Vacation at Home Office

CHAPPAQUA, NY- With the long arduous campaign behind her, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton has decided to take a much needed vacation by immediately jumping back to work. “This campaign was so mentally exhausting, and now that it is over, I am going to take time to reflect, get out and see the world, take advantage of some much needed R&R and ‘me time,’” said Clinton, pausing for about 15 seconds. “…. Ok that was good. Back to work.”

LEAKED: Transcript of the Obama/Trump Meeting

Satire V acquired the following leaked transcript of Thursday’s meeting between President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump:

 

DONALD TRUMP: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. President. Really it’s quite an honor. I’m hoping we can work together during this time—

BARACK OBAMA: Yeah, yeah. Cut the shit. Listen, Donald—can I call you Donald?

DT: Oh, uh, I guess? Can I call you Barack?

BO: No. Listen, Donald, you better have a seat. (Lighting a cigarette) Want one?

LEAKED: Donald Trump's Cabinet Picks

As pundits and reporters continue to speculate about whom Donald Trump will pick to fill key roles in his administration, Satire V has exclusively acquired a list of President-elect Trump's picks:

 

Secretary of Transportation: Chris Christie

Russian Ambassador: Vladimir Putin

Secretary of Homeland Security: Jason Bourne

Secretary of Homeland: Claire Danes

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