Are you a Republican lawmaker who is in bed with the National Rifle Association? Feeling like your gun show could use a little...spark? 

 

Satire V has got you covered: Use these fiery sex moves, and your next session is guaranteed to go out with a bang.

 

1. The Presidential Run: In this sexy move, you aggressively fist yourself with handfuls of NRA money before losing the 2016 Republican primary. Be warned: Prolonged fisting can cause you to hurt your spine—not that you had one anyway! 

2. Good Guy/Bad Guy Role-play: Want to get creative? Imagine that you are seduced by a bad guy with a sex drive, but then he's stopped at the last minute by a good guy with a sex drive, who sexes with you instead! Ignore the fact that if we didn't let bad guys have sex drives, this role-play would not exist. 

 

3. The Background Check: Don't ask your partner to get screened for STDs—after all, that would be a violation of your partner's God-given right to shoot their load. 

 

4. Politicized Tragedy: Fans of voyeurism, this one's for you! Watch salaciously as the American people get fucked (and fucked and fucked). As you wait for that slow tingle to work its way up your body, get yourself off to the sound of $3,000,000 in your re-election fund.

 

5. “2nd Amendment”: Have sex with every member of a well-regulated militia. If you get tired, just remember: Militias aren't what they used to be. 

 

6. The Clear Conscience: This one's all about the stripping. Maintain eye contact as you slowly undo the buttons on your shirt, the buckle on your pants, and the mental health restrictions on your gun purchasing laws.

 

7. “Thoughts and Prayers”: Just lie there for fifteen years, hoping something happens. (It won't.)