After losing the U.S. Presidential Election, Mitt Romney has decided that the Electoral College is not for him.   In a tearful call to his parents Tuesday night, Romney declared he would “never go back to that damn College,” instead hoping to pursue a career at a local Dairy Queen.

“It’s not that people didn’t like me—it’s just that the pressures of the Electoral College were too much.  Maybe I should have joined a frat.  I don’t know.”

Added Romney: “It’s just not fair.  Some of the people had already taken Electoral College-level classes.  Now I’m never going to go to veterinarian school.  Or become president.”

While many have urged him to remain in politics, Romney is clear that Dairy Queen is where he belongs. 

“I have five sons to support, and I’m not going to let those intellectual elites at the College keep me down.  Sure, it might not be glamorous flip-flopping burgers, spinning milkshakes and straight-up lying to customers about my taxes at Dairy Queen, but I’ll do it.  I’m hoping to make my co-workers my second family and DQ my eighth home.”

When asked for comment, a drunken Obama said, “Fuck yeah! Best housing on campus eight years runnin’!  USA! USA!” before vomiting on Biden’s bed.